hmm.. i will hold on
wed/thurs they have a dinner
his mum said wil ask him to ask me whether joining
actually i doubt that he will call (actually at first i tot he might or on our anniversary but aft seeing the paintball email.... haiz... i really duno le..)
maybe it will be his mum to ask me instead
i guess i wun go if is his mum ask de
but haven tot of if really lidat, how to refuse her (of cos i also dun wish to refuse her cos shes my mother in law. i also wish to respect her... but i duno.. i have to take tis bet.. 真的是得豁出去了..) (hai.. 好想一起捞鱼生，一起吃团圆饭哦)
anyway, between me n him, like wat i say, i will hold on
if he wans to leave thgs to carry on like this……. it will be
i would expect that the worse case scenario is that he will msg me saying cool off
this is the worse case scenario
but not sure if it did happen,when will it come
of cos the best scenario is that he will contact me, n like ask me out or kinda talk thgs out
actually the reason why i hold on is not fully cos of wat happen tis time round
is everythg
i feel that everythg has changed since 3-4 yrs ago
i admit i have fault in making thgs turn out the way it is today
right now, i am trying to do the second last salvation
i hope to balance thgs out
he might say i hav change
right now, when we quarrel, he can just say dun contact
he has found his way of distracting himself, enjoying with frens
but i m here, every min lookin at his profile, waiting for him to come online thou i wun talk to him, checking my hp for new msg/call frm him etc....
he can carry on with his life.. but i am not
i should carry on with my life too, dun keep lookin at his thgs
if.... he really loves me, thgs still can change
i hope he realize why i am so persistent tis time
he says he loves me.. but i am confused w his kind of love, cos alot of thgs he does, is alrdy nt showing tt he loves me
i dun understd why a person will 舍得the wife to be neglected, hurt, cry etc etc...
so its also a test to see his love towards me now
if our r/s is so easy to be given up, den i also cant do anythg
of cos, i hope the person i trust n love from the start is james... and at the end accompanying me thru my life is still james
i hope the person accompanying him thru his life is me
i hope i didnt see the wrong guy
i hope he can pass the test w flying colors !
如果一切能从来，我会加油，不让我们的感情有机会变成今天这种地步
but i duno.
its all up to his reaction. how he sees our r/s.
if is so easy to be given up... what more can i do. even now i giv in.. future how???
i might be able to b strong for awhile n remember all these
but at times, like yday, i might break down n tink of us & wan to giv in...
i need my frens to giv me support, energy booster every now and then, to keep me strong, keep me going.
i duno if i can do tis
and i 更加duno if i can take the consequences if thgs really dun work out...
but i shd continue.. right .. ??!??
i hope i am doing the right thgs...
and i noe, whenever he has any news in facebook, msn etc... it will kinda affect me.. like the paintball news... it affects me but i am tryin hard to tell myself
if he really wans to b like tis... i cant do anythg
if he really tinks tt (or doing without noeing it) he can, in a way, continue to manipulate me, control me
den no, tis is nt wat i wan nw
our r/s shdnt b like tis
but if everythg turns out to be okay, which i hope it will be..
if everythg manage to turn out well...
i will remind myself to stay like tis
and i will also be more concern w his thgs, like work etc...
i wan try to make our r/s better
actually i am really afraid
tt our r/s will fail the test and end like tis
i duno if i can face it
but i guess i really have to do it ?!?
i also hope to ascertain his feelings towards me
oh god, feel like cryin now (*boss saw, shyt!)
how much courage all these will need
im afraid if I give myself a time frame, how long shd I wait etc….
I afraid of disappointment
actually 6th march 2010 is our anniversary
it will be our 5th yr anniversary
actually if is talking about his feeling towards me
i would kinda be optimistic.. tt he will find me.. thou duno when..
but if is talkin abt his temper.. i really duno le
cos he alrdy has issues in dealin w his temper
(i noe it is hard to face it aft so long.. 26 yrs, the demon has grown n he might hav prob fighting w it but the fight and win is necessary, if he wans to succeed! 就凭他想要成功的决心，他应该可以做到，不会让恶魔成为他的绊脚石！i hope to give him the push. 加油啊, dear！i told him i would wait.. he shd noe i would wait... 但到最后，能不能陪在你身边看着你成功，真的不知道。因为，有些事，不是我一个人可以决定的。现在这样做，或许现在的你不会明白。虽然，我希望你会。有可能你不知道我一直是希望你成功的。有些事，有些决定，我也很挣扎，痛苦。真的不知道我们未来的路会一起走吗。我真的很希望会。不管怎样，还是会一直为你加油。i hope you would win the fight and noe tt its all worth it. and make our wait, pain n tears worthy..)
so i duno wat decision he will make in the end…cos mayb he wil let himself to go tink n tink…
cos for him.. when leave him alone, sometimes he will tink thru n b ok, but other times he will 越想越生气 & tink of the worst thgs n just refuse me
so its cos of his temper tt i really duno wat he will be like. i cant predict him
n wat i afraid is if i nw take 5 days den i giv in, the next time he will let thgs be for more than 5 days. n it will be tougher for me.
i m like making thgs difficult for myself
n it wil nt help w our thgs
i noe 4d thg is really a small matter
but e point is, it is a small matter, but he can just dun contact me
n for me, its our r/s
tts why i choose to hold on tis decision/plan
like wat i say is the second last salvation i can do
if pass, i will also change, like spend more time in learnin more abt him, ask him abt his thgs, like all the little bits in our r/s tt can be improved, tt will be the last salvation
and if we ok abt tis 4d thg, i will also explain to him. i haven got a chance to explain
i noe.. tt he might just be tinking tt 4d is a small matter n tt I didn’t consider him, didn’t place him as priority and is waiting for me to giv in
and noe tt perhaps its not really abt the winning tt he is so mad but its just maybe the person i shared 4D with and i didnt consult/consider him/place him as priority..
perhaps to this extent, i should apologise BuT i dun see why theres a need to go to tis extent (e situatn now, 7 days le) n tt wat major fault i have to deserve tis cold treatmt
cos in the first place, when i wan buy, i did tink, hmm to include dear not?
aft tt tot, haiz, nvm, e most, if really really win, den share with him lor. cos also i didnt tink i would win ah. i dun expect that lor. its just for fun
and i didnt plan to include anyone except dear
but its really at that moment, during tt situation, i 不好意思 to refuse jan
and from the msges he sent me..
he said i selfish... i reali tink to wat extent i am selfish
i even tot of if can, save some money and buy the punching bag for u...
ok, anyway, the thg is..
he dun contact me cos of 4D matter, the way he is treating me n our r/s is wat i am looking at
is nt tt simple like wat he might b just tinking
i also duno he will tink tt far not
perhaps regarding the 4d, i shd find a chance to explain
but i alrdy hold on tis far.... and is for our r/s and also for him n me, if i giv in now... thgs will only get worse the next time
oso, he is the one to say dun contact.
just look at how he can carry on w his life when he says we dun contact
i duno how much weight i hav in his heart
i hope to make him realise that.
the weight i used to have in his heart
i hope to make him realise tt if he really loves me, he shdnt treat me tis way
he shdnt say dun contact jiu dun contact, enjoy himself, n let me suffer n make me yield
i love him
i still love him
but i have to make tis decision to prove tt tis person, our r/s is really worth me loving..
to keep our love going the right way, to help him, i need to take tis risk, i need to... do this
i hope the love is reciprocal..
i hope everythg will turn out positive..
oh god pls help! 神啊！帮帮忙吧！
i may nt b able to help him in business, but i tot i can help him to become a better candidate for business.. and if tis really works, thgs might improve, nt just for our r/s, for him, for me, n also for his family.... cos with everyone's earnest support, he will be successful.
and if thgs doesnt... seriously, i duno how to face my life, my family, frens, relative etc....
but still.. i need to do this..
i need to ??!??
right ??!??
i dun wish tt our r/s wil make me hate myself. some thgs tt i do....
我也想活的有尊严一点，跟他在一起还是可以保留着女生该有的矜持。享受着被他保护和疼爱和彼此尊敬，鼓励，陪伴。
i seem to be living in my own shadow for the past few yrs.
e way i talk to him, i really control alot n b tactful, tryin to speak in a positive manner n encourage him. but sometimes seein tt he can jus say out easily the thgs he tot, without filtering/changing the words tt might hurt me.. actually hurts me..
希望一切还来得及。希望还能挽回我们的关系。希望可以手牵着手,一起走完人生的旅途。。。 当然，感情是得靠双方面的付出和努力，才能维持的。
P.S. he did has some improvements over the yrs. Eg. temper, vulgarities, giving in, initiate talking thgs out. its just that for some of those... its been on & off... n the feeling is as bad. i did tell him tt i do appreciate n glad to c the chges, n its nt jus for me, us but most imptly, for himself. n tt he shd continue improving..
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