Jasmine's Blog

Exciting n eventful

2011-06-27T18:07:00.001-07:00

after considering for so long, i finally signed up ipl. Thats because i got a good deal from groupon. Jeanyip offer unlimited ipl only at $129. Cool right?

I also started my exercise/slimming regime last week.
i jogged 3 times last week. Plan to jog twice,, swim once, cycle once tis week.

Mon, wed: jog
Thur: jog/cycle/stairs
Sat: swim
tue, fri: crunches

this week seems quite busy. Will be meeting shuhui n ladies for dinner on thur and shopping with iris, xl n st on friday.

i have gotten myself a new haircut last sat. The whole process took many hrs, from afternoon till 11pm. It looks quite similar to xf's hairstyle thou. it's a short permed hair. A bit of Japanese and Korean style.

me, xl and st also signed up for Samba class next week. Its only 4 lessons at $28, another one we got from those deal website.

Maybe st and I might continue with swimming lessons as well.

How nice. So many exciting stuff going on..

Blue blue monday

2011-04-18T04:16:00.001-07:00

Although I shd feel happy as this week is a long weekend, there seem to be a few thgs tt keep me frm feelin tt way

Woke up w a sprain in my neck-shoulder area again
Mouth ulcer seems to b worse
saw a dead cat near office
And now.. Looks like dear got to find new job again because he doesn't seem to like the current one.

but the mistake I did last Thursday.. that I forgot to add beads to one plate.. Surprisingly, the results turn out alright. this might lead to new finding.. We are going to test out to see if we can further save costs. Hopefully it really works.

Exciting week

2011-04-16T20:44:00.003-07:00

Friday
Sentosa
a star 20th anniversary
battlestar galactica, mummy
waterworld, shrek, Steven spielburg

Saturday
Dear's granny birthday
Dinner buffet at furans riverfront hotel
$13+ per person with uob card

Today (Sunday)
Woke up at 6.20
Menses came. Suay
Dear fetch me to the promontory at marina bay
meet ming, Mei, mei's fren and Xueli for run350 10km run
I finish in 1 hr 30 min, without stopping, except for drinking.
my first 10 km, my first 'run', my first 'number tag w electronic timer', my first finisher medal, my first run with cousin n fren.

Results

2011-04-11T00:13:00.003-07:00

so feel like taking leave today. Juz wan hav a break.

Got most of my results today. Really disappointed in myself. Guess can only get 2nd lower.

Almost got hit by toilet paper towel box. scared by insect in lift.

Letter

2011-04-11T00:13:00.001-07:00

Finally get the letter.. so happy!! yea, I wan go Thailand n mayb also Taiwan? But don't know is it safe to go Taiwan nw.. eld sis might be going in June. James is okay with going too.. Yea!! Finally somewhere else but genting! Wan travel around before family planning

Although should have save the $ for wedding etc.. Jus don't wan think so much

Malu

2011-04-01T23:03:00.001-07:00

Bought a long grey dress for $25 at tpy.

attended briefing for new aed, when ask for ambulance no., i replied 911. So malu. Shd b 995. Also duno since when n y I hav tis impression. 911 is America's one. Dots.

Today going to collect race pack for run350 at novena. Meeting xl n maybe Sootng. Hehe! Guess can go shop for awhile

A year with many gd buys

2011-03-17T18:16:00.001-07:00

Realize I spent a lot n bought a lot this year
At the start of the year, spent 288 on 4 sets of wacoal lingerie, bought 7 pairs of shoes, den recently, on wed I spent 300 on 4 pairs of esprit jeans.

but I tink it's worth it cos 2 sets of the lingerie has good quality and function. Oh, and the WACOAL staff gave me a full dress traditional kimono. It's nice but a bit too long and.. there's hardly any chance I wil get to wear that. But also cos jeans and lingerie, can wear for a long time so I tink it's worth it.

7 pairs of shoes. I really need shoes u see. I hardly have any. Only hav 2 sneakers, of which, one makes my toe hurts. 1 croc shoes but smells. My foot is very selective of the shoes, wedges, cover shoes they wear. So tts y jus happen tt all fits n it's on sales so bought them home.

as for jeans.. I oso bought them on sales. just happen to drop by n like them n realize they r on sales. Even become a member. Hehe! one of them is the black color tt I wan, second one is a fashion type, it's denim washed, another is a dark blue w a bit diamonds (although tis one makes my thigh looks big, e staff says it will expand aft wash), the last one accentuates the shape of my leg n butt. But all 4 need alteration.

I like all my buys. the jeans is worth it cos I have tis pair of jeans tt I am wearin for at least 7 years now. Also hav lingerie tt I wear for ard 3 years. I need to earn more to top up my a/c

A gd week

2011-03-04T03:44:00.001-08:00

Hi blog, it's been so long since I see you
Now i can blog anytime. Dl-ed blogbooster. Gota noe tis app thru someone's blog.
Been watching drama series. Finish watching my princess and secret garden. At last ep of the world tt they live in. Ahh Hyundai bin 好帅哦，song hye-kyo 好漂亮哦！Gona watch the snow queen next
Tis yr I seem quite sporty, signed up quite a few runs. Theres run350, adidas sundown, passionrun and bike quest.
Hehe! I signed up mainly to get e sportswear. But of cos it also gives me the motivation to exercise.
It was a good Monday this week cos dear got offer frm intercall n my contract has been renewed. Feel happy for him

2010-10-30T03:37:00.000-07:00

i am not joking
i am a human
at that moment, that was my real feeling
its like....... sometimes when u do sth for someone, its really frm the heart
but when u were suddenly told tt someone simply say to A "u can do it". and he did it and she got a treat.
and if i accompanied thruout and told A the same thing that "u can do it" and he did it n i do not hav anythg.
u suddenly feel unfair
tis is human nature
its just sometimes giv it a little more time, u wil b able to suppress tt feeling
its just, at the moment, i let my feeling flow naturally and truthfully

i do not actually mean that i dun wan buy jersey
wat i mean was the above, tt it seems so unfair
and i most of the time do wat i promised others
its just im tinking whether i am able to buy it tis mth cos tis mth bill not sure also include the air tickets..
if cant, den mayb nxt mth.. but can he wait.. well.. dun tink so..

when i said he is rude
yes, when on the phone and also to mum
by not answering her and say to me on the phone "where r u all, wan eat join, if nt nvm" n hung up
in e first place, u walked so fast, we tried to follow and lose u n tot u went ntuc

even if someone say wan buy thg for u
and in the end he/she cant fulfil it..
u also cant behave like tis.
disappointment yes but not like tis

u said u hav rched ur limit
how many times i hav rched my limit but wat i ask myself is, is it i do wrong somewhere n not u go find someone
tis is the difference between me n u

no matter wat, i oso tink tt my angry is still better than u
cos when i am angry w u, i will dun hold hand etc first, but aft tt, if u tell me sorry sincerely and able to really noe why u r sorry, i m ok
but u, can just walk away, talk rudely, dun giv face in front of others n family etc

u said u been talkin soft to mum n me nowadays when we quarrel
and tis is e thg that mum n i also said he changed alot
but everytime.. i realise.. we said that.. somethings happen and u will say out as if u r tryin too hard and is not from inner heart

wats the point of tellin me tt u can go find someone if u wan, its just u dun wan
wat u tryin to mean
simply assuring me or threatening?

a same phrase can has several meanings depending on the situation and tone

n just now even at far east, i also tot of later we shd be going peninsula to see jersey, even if the car, i also tink so

当你爱一个人，你不会气他太久
有时，冷静了一下，就自然的好了

2010-08-25T22:43:00.000-07:00

好想吃好吃的东西
什么事都想一起分享

像现在这么不知所措
希望能了解
真的好想改一改，要不是我，就是他，再不如，就是我们的感情rebalance (but how?)
但是，他似乎没那么多耐心，毅力

为什么要那样对我，为什么要对我说那些话
为什么我的恋情都让人那么懊恼，彷徨无助

辛苦
想放弃
但我也仍坚持
但你为什么总是那么轻易的想放手
真的不知所措
似乎再怎么努力，付出再多，也都还是一样

__________
27th aug

他那么想不开。那我应该抱着怎样的心态和他一起？又怎么组织家庭？

抱着随时会被抛下，没有他的日子？

我受不了那样的打击。也不希望孩子没有爸爸在身边

我希望有一个幸福美满的家庭。
这个家庭有爸爸，有妈妈还有孩子，甚至孙子。。

facing my fear

2010-08-14T10:27:00.000-07:00

i have a fear
something that i dun like to experience
something that i dun wish ppl to know or see
and not for ppl to discuss as if 'its nth' among them
i appreciate his concern for wanting to help

but let me give an analogy

a boy wanted to help a girl overcome her fear of water
one day, he ask his mum to make arrangement for them to go into the water
a day before, the girl told the boy that she wishes to back out
she wishes to explain the feeling of the fear and how much she doesnt wish to be put into such situation but she felt the boy wasnt keen to know or listen, not attentive
after some unhappiness, the boy said ok, we will cancel.
however, when the actual day came, the boy said that he will follow as well, so that the girl wun b tt fearful.
when they reached that place, the girl felt very nervous and worried of what might happen
the boy can sense it and ask the girl to stop thinking.
once again, the girl told him that she wishes to back out
the boy kept askin her to face her fear.
her inner side was already in such chaotic situation that she wanted to just run away, she doesnt wan to put herself in such uncomfortable situation.
the boy got angry and said things like i will go tell my mum (which to her, its equivalent to i will go tell others) about it
At this moment, the girl felt angry, disappointed at being threatened by her own fear, especially by the boy she loved..
how could he do this or say this, without any realisation of the impact
How would one feel or react in such situation
But for her, at that point of time, she felt very angry and disappointed.
'nvm, she would rather let everyone know than to be threaten by her own fear'
to think that she trusted him, yet he used this to threaten and pressurise her.
the girl knows that he always use harsh words thou meant good, that's y many times, she just ignore it, but tis time round.. is jus different
it is abt sth she fears
whether he meant it or not but she felt he must know that there are just some things that one cant say it easily like this or do such thing.
there are some things tt u cant jus say to ppl and u forget abt it, n then expecting ppl to forget/forgive/understand u
words.. is a form of skill
this fear is not sth to be discussed broadly, and easily like its no big deal
everyone's fear is different
there must b a certain factor tt he/she cant face

she felt very angry and disappointed
go ahead and tell everyone.. 'im not afraid. i hate u for sayin tis. i will jus run away. go ahead n laugh, people. n i will hate u, the one who push me to this'.
even after awhile, he is still angry and even said that she is wasting his time, opportunities
all these make her furious
she appreciates his intention, she really does
She could only say that his method is wrong..
forcing and resolving things using his method
this is just not the way..
it is just like at first when she wishes to tell him so tt he could understand, he jus is not attentive and sincere, it is just the same as wat has happened...

she wishes that.. he could be more understanding, gives her time, encouraging her, take things slowly, at her pace, not pressuring her.
understand that she tried, she really did

things kept repeating
no one can help him except himself

harsh words.. and actions.. sometimes cannot be understood and forgiven
especially if the man doesn't realise what he did
tts y some ppl say 如何说话也是一门学问.

if i didnt try or listen to u all, i wouldnt go there in the first place
i wouldnt try to experience tt feeling by closing my eyes thruout the session when its ur turn
but i felt the feelin coming..
so i noe i dun wan

i hate it when i dun feel comfortable
i hate it when i am being forced to do sth
as my loved one, why cant he b more understanding towards tis
why cant he tink of how complicated is the feelin inside at tt moment..

and to think that when at tt moment, i really dun feel comfortable, dun wan go
and he got angry, instead of understanding like 'nvm dear, we will try again nxt time when u feel better ok'
but instead, like pressuring me and said something like u r wasting my time and opportunities

at tis moment.. i am furious!!!
dun understd y he can b like tis
去说吧
and i am a waste of ur time

我顶多。。逃掉。。不再相信。。不再是我

how can i trust u
how can i rely on u
why should i pin such hope
why do i keep trying
why cant u understd all these is cos of wat
why cant u appreciate

and to add on.. i noe i might hav leave a bad impression to the aunties/uncles yday
but at tt moment, i jus wan to stay in my comfort zone

last night i dreamt again..

sleep

2010-08-02T19:35:00.000-07:00

yday went to his place and felt tired and slept..
after that, was woken up by his saying of 'those scratch, go bath' tt sort.
then after that.. i felt so itchy all over..
the bumps are back
wonder what causes it
seems like its his bed
but.. why that time when i first had those allergies is at home..
or is it.. 'heat rash'? appears when i perspire/hot..
hmm..
tis is so terrible
go home cant sleep cos hard mattress
here also cannot sleep cos itchy.. oso cos theres alot of mosquitos.. n untidy room.. maybe cos of dust also tt makes me itch
lidat.. i sleep where..
haiz..

suddenly feel like having a part time maid to sanitize the entire place and tidy everythg up

over the weekend

2010-08-01T20:02:00.000-07:00

last saturday's swimming lesson was very very tiring. felt so breathless and uncomfortable. we were told to swim laps using gliding position (for hand) and frog style (for leg) and holding breath, and lift out our head to breath (continue frog style) and hold breath again under water.
This was alternate with free hand and a pair of hand balance strap. and also alternate with holding breath and breath after 2 kicks. I kept looking at the clock for the lesson to end as i really felt breathless and dread swimming back again when i reached the end..
but i really did it without stopping at all
the instructor said this is to train our balance and breath/stamina
i do need to train my breath and stamina..
but i am quite worried when i swim the laps..
i dun like the feeling of breathlessness
_____
zanden was very naughty yesterday
he pushed dylan thrice
_____
recently feel that i have low concentration level during prayers..
_____
yesterday night was watching red cliff 2 with bro n nana in the living room
when the show was at the climax part, the miotv suddenly shows 'temporarily unavailable. please try again later...'

we waited for awhile
bro started calling miotv, even before we reach the officer, the connection was back.

yesterday had the feelin to sleep outside, on the sofa but i remembered that when we sleep, our leg cannot face door or is it window.. cant really remember.. so i tried to tilt a bit but it was bit uncomfortable. and i don't find it comfortable sleeping on the customised mattress that i brought to the living room. i don't feel tired..

then i pulled the mattress and everythg back to parents room.. thinking tt things might b different w air con.. i might get tired n sleep..
ah..i tossed and turned.. i dun like the mattress.. i miss my old mattress.. the soft yet good mattress..
and i suddenly miss him..
wanted to msg him tt but just had a little quarrel.. n tot maybe not..
haiz...
are things back to the way it is
he hangs up on me...

things keep repeating in a cycle and it is tiring..
no words can get through him
im feeling helpless

in a mess

2010-07-25T21:03:00.000-07:00

right now,

i feel so fan..

1) true spa/subtle senses detox packages
really regretted buying this.
i felt so stuck now
wishing to stop payment so i can have more savings

2) money
somehow i haven't been saving but instead, have been drawin money out from my saving
this is real bad
i remember that time when i finish payin my sch installmts, i felt so happy and started calculating
and if the saving goes on like last time.. i should have 10k by end yr n could start a small business or make investment
but right now... so now for me.. everythg budget budget budget!
somehow i stil hav to go hongkong for e-tourism module
and realised that i might not be able to claim from flexi as Lu paid for all of us first..
like everythg i do also.. nt smooth

3) abt thesis
previously was excited about wedding tourism
after doing strategic planning, tot of changing to trekking tourism those
and become less enthu about wedding
den aft tt said my wedding tourism (photo shoot) approved but need to confirm whether theres enuf lit rev.
realise that theres isnt much lit rev
so change to honeymoon..
but felt happy la today.. cos finally everythg like settled.. its been approved
so i still can proceed w same pace as the rest..
hope everythg goes well n smooth frm here.. few more mths n graduate le.. really need serious n cheong n hardworkin ah..

seein that some of my old sec sch frens.. last time results not so good
but they all do well for their poly and manage to go to a local uni. their path seems to be goin upslope
but me.. going downslope..
becoming lazier
slackier
not motivated
nw alrdy used to last min den cheong, take leave
but no more leaves le.. i hope i manage to do w/o takin leave
haiz...
im wastin my money
how to help myself

4) abt dear's family
between dear n his parents

5) abt my family
between my parents
hope mum will b more supportive and understanding towards dad

between mum n granny
hope granny can come over n stay n mum will b understanding

6) abt frenship
i felt that we've kinda drifted apart
and theres sth that upsets me
i realised that when i talked to her, she is listening
but when someone suddenly comes or something about someone she wants to say about.. she will just turn away and talk to others..
and that conversation just end abruptly like that
it has been a few times le
now don't really dare talk to her, cos afraid she will like that
and i dun like the feeling

7) new house
felt lonely every morning
i don't like the feeling
miss my granny

8) about dear
wish to help him but seriously.. duno how
really wish god will give me directions
or send a gui ren to help him
it doesnt help if i keep talkin n nth gets in there.
n if he insist his way
i dun wan to c him kept doin/findin thgs to make himself troubled
i tot tis time round, he really take it seriously w careful planning..
thgs tt need nt buy at the moment, can save up first, save.. need to hav the $ roll in first.. den can buy.. but....
ARRGH.. wo hen fan ah
n he seems to treat everyone who dun agree w him as 'enemy', even if close ones..

n hope that he will noe that sometimes ppl say tis to u, is wan to let u noe, wei ni hao, not against u, sarcastic or wat..

also about school.. hope will faster settle n he continue studyin n get cert w/o makin parents unhappy

9) about myself
i felt i have changed alot
i felt that i have gotten even quieter than before
i felt that i have drifted apart from the rest or can't join
i have low confidence and oversensitive
i am lazy and dependent
this is so terrible
i hate it
time management sucks
i feel everythg like not going well for me..
i feel i am in a mess..

the path before me seems so 模糊
i hope the sun will shine soon.. so that i can see light, i can see a clearer picture, i can finally smile n relax

4th June: NUH

2010-06-01T23:23:00.000-07:00

4th june... i hope i will be alright... *prays*

talk between us

2010-05-29T02:04:00.001-07:00

yesterday i told mother that..

it seems that
things have become so natural that we are accepting his 'flaws' and blaming ourselves

like when something happen
but actually it could be a minor issue or nothing at all in the first place
but he overdo things... exaggerate and make it very serious..
den like when its between me n him, mother will tink 'is it u do sth that upsets him'
and when its between he n parents, i will think 'is it parents do sth that upsets him'
and this might in turn cause unhappiness and misunderstanding between mother and i.

mother said that things might be different when he is more financially stable
i told her that sometimes my thoughts contradict
one side agrees on that, another side said that "why are you finding excuses for him, you are not certain how things will be like when that day comes, it might be like what u say or it might b worse. r u gonna keep 'suffering' and keep deceiving urself or give urself false hope, for sth tt u r uncertain of. Things shdn't be lidat in the first place."

its just his character, mother said.

marriage cert: a paper or a witness of ur love

2010-05-29T01:18:00.000-07:00

i don't wish to keep playing his games
i don't want to keep guessing, waiting
i feel i have become a 'look for u when i am feelin good, dun contact when i am feelin unhappy' person to him... yet i am the wife
unstandable maybe, cos i am always so 'easily available', i can accommodate so well with his schedule
i am very disappointed and upset
i don't wish to keep getting upset, disappointed and crying cos of him
i don't wish to have so many uncertainties, worries
i feel that, for someone who fails to give the partner the confidence, the assurance, the r/s is unstable, there are bound to be problems...

'Is this the kind of relationship u wanted?'

he is still immature, marriage seems like a game to him
i may be immature too, but definitely not on feelings, marriage
i want a relationship that, when i think about it, when i talk about it, it brings a smile to my face, i feel blissful
i am envious about others.. some simple yet sweet love
attended a friend's wedding today
what the pastor said really makes me ponder

thinking back on our relationship...
1) james said, when he is upset, he keeps things to himself cos he feels that why makes them upset too and also, theres nothing they can do..
but to me, it makes me feel that i am not someone he can rely on.. its ok not to know what happen but at least i wish i am someone he can lean on when he's tired.
i wish to participate in his everything, just like i wish him to participate in my everything
2) pastor said 'marriage is something that shouldn't be rushed into'.
when i reject him the first time, things got so bad that he wished to cancel wedding plans. Cos thou i reject him that time, both families were aware that we are planning to get engaged. At that time, i felt that our r/s is still not stable, he is still not able to give me the sense of security, there seems to be other reasons why he is proposing that time. when i saw that he got so dejected and that it seems our r/s is on the rock, i accepted his second but first official proposal.

when things happened and i told him how i felt... he said he will try not to be self-centred, he will think more for me, love me more
i felt happy but also felt...
but why? if u love someone, there's no need to try. It just comes from within, u wan the best for him/her, u wan him/her to be happy

the way he is doing to me or our r/s seems to be slowly forcing me to change
to someone... i duno how to say

be a man that is worth me doing all these, i don't need you to be rich, i just want u to love & treasure me
m i askin for too much?

why do i not have confidence.. u make me feel that i am not the right person for u.. i m fearful.. that one day, u might meet someone u love and realise that she is the one..
but as for tis point, i know wat i need to do, i need to have self-confidence, need to be independent and sociable... n also trust in him w regards to tis..
cos if he can be swayed easily by others, he's just not worthy.

so the main issue, i guess, remains with his attitude
same thing.. rebalance is the key to salvaging our r/s..
but it takes two hands to clap

someone in the lab

2010-05-13T21:32:00.000-07:00

theres tis someone in the lab tt i dun really like

really dun like the way he handle some things
and kinda feel like he's a bootlicker?? mayb not so serious la.. mayb u could say 'work smart'

best frens

2010-05-13T08:50:00.000-07:00

best frens are those whom ur heart accept
u dun hav to see them often, dun hav to chat w them often, even if theres silence between u all, u still feel comfortable. b able to enjoy the occasional silence w joy
when u chat w them, u still feel close and can chat casually, comfortably with them
i have 4.5
i am glad i have 4.5
i used to have a few more when i was younger.. xuan, huili, liwen
actually kinda hoping for more whom my heart will accept
guess i am really too quiet..

buyin a house

2010-05-12T09:39:00.000-07:00

last time i dun really tink of buyin a house
i also noe nuts abt it
thou i do pic myself having my own family, my own house
me and hubby can 过二人世界
our own children.

but things are just different
cos it appears tt he doesnt wan it

used to tell him tt i not pushin him to buy a flat
just as long as he got include that as part of the whole plan, i m alright

but right now
i feel like havin our own house

its not stayin in his house is super bad or in laws very bad or wat
its just i dun feel at ease. i cant do thgs at ease
it just still feel its the parents house
like i tell him outside toilet no place to hang clothes
ask him fix this
he makes me feel tt.. cos its not really affectin him, he doesnt hav the urgency to help me fix something for me to hang.
he said he knows. he needs to measure. needs to find
seriously, find wat? how long u need to measure? my house has a similar one.
its those extendable one. u jus roughly need to know the width, and just put it there accordin to the toilet width.
how to make him understd tis.. can say several times abt how urgent he will b if is thgs he wans but take own sweet time when comes to others thgs, even his wife.
i tink also, he feels beta to ask parents, and whether can make changes during tis tis tis mth... might not b good etc???!!!???
its kinda irritating at times
i cant wash hair
i wan do some simple thgs, ask him help me, he take own sweet time, might nt b gd i just do it...
like everythg wan to do, need to ask
u noe the kind of feeling
if is own house, thgs wil b different.
i dun hav to worry abt it

seriously
generally, i am a wife who do not mind stayin w the husband parents
however, tt will depend on the in laws
they are not bad

i have thought of can stay here den renovate the whole house
remove unnecessary stuffs, pack whole place
.. make it neater, cleaner, tidier and like a new house.. giv it a new look
but difficult cos they hav alot of thgs..
also but i tot... and even if the house is ours
when they are stayin w us, i stil might not b able to do thgs freely
not sure if they will mind or be unhappy
esp mil
i will b able to noe from her face..
it will still be 'in their house' impression if i stay there

how to say..
she is not bad
its just.. sometimes..
if she ask u do sth, u dun wan, she carries a look on her face, like displeased
cos is parents in law ma, i also wan them b happy
actually i hope to be able to talk like frens, of cos w a little more respect
but sometimes just cant.. theres still constraints..
so when she giv tt face, i will feel like... i jus cant talk freely. cant discuss thgs
it becomes more like she makes decision
mayb she is used to makin decision for the family
and making sure the kids obey.. tts why
but one thg abt mil is.. she really dotes them alot
i can see.. so also contradictin for me to say thgs
cos its all out of love..
its just i wish to point out to dear to hav own stand, but i not sayin to defy mil or wat.. but respect her.. meaning like if u hav own stand, u can discuss w mil, try to convince her..
but i tink one thg is his temper.. if he discuss w u awhile, u not ok, he throw temper le, lidat of cos mil wun happy la n wun wan hear u out..
so mayb tts why mil will say althou mel sometimes dun listen, but she still obedient, dun upset me. but james very naughty, always makes me upset.
so tis is also one thg tt upsets me at times.. cos i noe la, he is lidat.. i cnat deny tt.. but i feel.. mayb can also consider the fact tt he is very obedient, in a way, listen to her
though blindly at many times..

i read an article before..
explainin why mil n dil cant get along
cos they used to take care of the whole family
when u enter the house, she will expect to b still the same
and when the son is close to the dil... she will feel tt u r snatchin the son away
tts why some mil dun like dil or b fierce, cos they wan dil to noe tt im in charge here, in an indirect way la... u stil mus listen to me
also mentioned in the book is that.... when a mil n dil r/s turns sour, its the son/husband's fault.. he shd b the one doin the balancing.. it means hes not doin the job..

n as for james.. hes kinda lidat
he will say i am tryin my best to make u 2 tgt
but sometimes he didnt tink tt tt might nt b wat we wan
just b natural
dun force.. might create unhapiness
and at some point, he will just leave everythg aside, ask us to settle ourselves..
said he dun care etc...
he just dun understd
how can i just talk freely to mil
i feel.. theres some things its not for me to say....
its really difficult for me... later they say i rude, no respect, why i talk lidat.. haiz..
or is it just me.. paranoid..
also, for me, i usually stand neutral stand. so when like they quarrel, sometimes i tink he over react or what, i will tell him tat actually i feel mother lidat is also for ur good, but he will feel that i side mother.
same thing that when me n him quarrel, he sometimes also tink mother sides me
he is simply too blinded by emotions and over confidence at times to be able to see things clearly..

anyway, as for house
i seriously dun understd where he is getting at
cos at first some reasons he said, i understd, i went to find out but it can be done
den i told him.. den he said other reasons...
like dun wan use cpf, if i chg job not enuf, ex to buy now, wan buy condo, dun wan buy sk house, wan buy amk house, say how abt bills, say even if own house, wun help clean up etc etc..
giv diff sorts of reasons, chgin here n there, somes totally not understandable
then sometime say le.. he wil just say.. ok, u wan, u n mum sit down talk..
see ?!? haiz....
i tink mayb for him his concerns are mil, ah bei, his finance, overdependent..
hes like 敷衍我
mayb even theres amk house, theres money, he might not buy lor.. even if buy, its not our own..

if we buy a BTO now
jus nice 3 yrs later
we get marry n can choose to continue stayin at amk or move in
if not moving in, we can rent out the house to others but leavin the masterbed room locked
all the bills are paid by the tenant and on top of that, they pay us rental fees
so no matter wat, sure earn de
den aft 5 yrs, when theres a beta price, we can sell it away
use the money to buy our own house
also for the point tt he is worried tt the cpf money will b gone.
the cpf money also cannot b taken out
its only when u are old, they will giv u a sum of money
and even then, is bit by bit... so still not all
tis is why ppl are investing on house, 'to earn money from cpf' since govt dun allow us to touch'..

if he is not buyin w me
i wonder how
can i buy on my own
can i buy w parents
he dun wan earn money
i will jus do it myself n show him there will b profit

he said the more we said, the more he wun do
i also the same kind
the more he said dun wan, the more i wan

i actually understd perhaps his mum dun wan us to move out
actually she kept sayin prefer us to move out.. during quarrel
but i tink for her is 2-3 reasons ba..
first cos of wat ah bei says, 2nd cos james still haven prove himself to her, 3rd cos james is only son and doted son

and one thg i feel for him y he dun wan move out
he kept sayin he can tis n tat
but it seems inside tt he still cant really let go of his parents
he still need alot of support
even thou when u say tis
he will say.. no lor, if really come to one day, i can de lor
but when we quarrel.. n say some thgs.. he will say i will still need them one lor
ahh.. hes contradicting himself

anyway, aft wat i observe, i feel tt he still cant leave without his parents support

actually one thg tt disturb me is.. when mil says 'he wans lidat, ok lo. challenge me huh. says dun need me huh. nvm, i will make him come back de la. eventually he will noe he still needs me to support him de' ->> feel like tellin mil n also feel like tellin him but at the same time.. dun wan cause quarrel or mil to tink i 打小报告 n maybe its just 气话, dun mean it. cos cant blame, james most of the time will force ppl to say sth lidat.. den blame us for sayin sth lidat n quarrel again..。 but seriously, can u understd my feelin? cos hes my husband, no matter wat, u hear sth lidat... makes me feel tt.. my husband is just a 'soldier' tt she can manipulate w. but is kinda really lor... a mummy boy..

i tried to point out somethings before
like sometimes mayb mil say cant do tis
james is those tt follow strictly
sth unsure, call mil straight to ask can or not huh, very paranoid lidat
but sometimes u see mil or sil doin it
makes me feel tt he is very straight, not flexible, and dun hav his own opinion, cant make own decision.. mayb also cos of tis, he becums paranoid n gets v.dependent
i am surprised he pointed tis out tt day...but then mil says its ok u all dun wan listen
anythg dun come blame me
do so much for u all, u all blame me
i can understd wat she means... tts why i also got say, 出发点是好的, also concern abt children, so also cant blame. its just mayb shd try to hav a balance.. dun b over.. kinda restrictive at times.. and in turn makes ppl turn away from them.. like outcast.. den they will tink, nvm dun care abt ppl..

so sometimes, i hope he can b like his sis.. listen but at the same time, have own stand n opinion. even if sometimes follow own stand, mum says a little bit but still side her and after that also okay.
so wish him dun evrythg follow blindly.. ask him why.. he said i also duno, mum say, just do.

especially now, he has not just his opinion n stand to tink of, he shd consider mine n discuss w me, listen to my voice also...
haiz.. sometimes i wonder. now alrdy lidat.. like everythg also listen to him.. n he listen to his mum
thou i told him before... next time children.. i wan teach them. i worried might hav conflicts
i dun wan my children to b over superstitious
but lidat.. mayb might b defyin my mil
and since my husband is alrdy so 'poisoned'.. he might nt like it too
n since he also so mummy boy (or mayb just paranoid, so play safe)
he might just..ask me follow.. if i dun, he just 'u go talk to mum la. i dun wan care. u both making me v.xinku' etc etc..... its actually avoiding.. shirkin responsibility... mayb hes too used to parents helpin him w everythg.. sometimes i feel hes still not mature..
but tell him also no use.. cos his personality is like.. feel superb abt himself but at the same time, need others assurance, affirmation..
anyway, i am saying.....now alrdy lidat, in future how... (even if now agreed, mayb by then, no use) when giv birth le, theres nth i can do right.. if i dun follow .. he can just throw temper. makes me xin ku.. but they are my children... can i stand firm.. i dun wan my kids to be like that...

and if he is a businessman then... situation will b laggi worse...

seriously... if i can.. i hope thgs r differnet... haiz... but its jus me...

i jus wan a happy n blissful marriage family... but seems so complicated n far away

i wan my opinion to b heard.. need to discuss thgs n decide tgt.. not ordered to follow.. i have not been myself...

he's not that into me..

2010-04-22T21:24:00.000-07:00

i feel..

he is just not that deeply in love with me..

Frm at least 2 points i see:
- We don't have much to talk to each other
- he doesnt has the anxiousness to meet me

i have been thinking of this for quite some time
it upsets me
i told him before
but he doesnt feel it this way

but at least this is the feeling he gives me..

perhaps i am not his miss right
it is alright.. (i will b strong) i will see how..

2010-02-26T02:50:00.000-08:00

i spotted this phrase in a fren's blog and im liking it..

"if someone wants to be in your life, they'd make an effort to be in it. So don't bother to reserve a space in your heart for someone who doesn't make an effort to stay"

perfect match theories.

2010-02-24T19:36:00.001-08:00

have you ever heard that..

if a guy's last finger is the same size as the girl's ring finger, then they are a perfect match

or

if a girl's height is such that her head can rest comfortably on her guy's shoulder, they make a perfect match

second last salvation

2010-02-22T18:22:00.000-08:00

second last salvation

hmm.. i will hold on
wed/thurs they have a dinner
his mum said wil ask him to ask me whether joining
actually i doubt that he will call (actually at first i tot he might or on our anniversary but aft seeing the paintball email.... haiz... i really duno le..)
maybe it will be his mum to ask me instead
i guess i wun go if is his mum ask de
but haven tot of if really lidat, how to refuse her (of cos i also dun wish to refuse her cos shes my mother in law. i also wish to respect her... but i duno.. i have to take tis bet.. 真的是得豁出去了..) (hai.. 好想一起捞鱼生，一起吃团圆饭哦)
anyway, between me n him, like wat i say, i will hold on
if he wans to leave thgs to carry on like this……. it will be
i would expect that the worse case scenario is that he will msg me saying cool off
this is the worse case scenario
but not sure if it did happen,when will it come
of cos the best scenario is that he will contact me, n like ask me out or kinda talk thgs out
actually the reason why i hold on is not fully cos of wat happen tis time round
is everythg
i feel that everythg has changed since 3-4 yrs ago
i admit i have fault in making thgs turn out the way it is today
right now, i am trying to do the second last salvation
i hope to balance thgs out
he might say i hav change
right now, when we quarrel, he can just say dun contact
he has found his way of distracting himself, enjoying with frens
but i m here, every min lookin at his profile, waiting for him to come online thou i wun talk to him, checking my hp for new msg/call frm him etc....
he can carry on with his life.. but i am not
i should carry on with my life too, dun keep lookin at his thgs
if.... he really loves me, thgs still can change
i hope he realize why i am so persistent tis time
he says he loves me.. but i am confused w his kind of love, cos alot of thgs he does, is alrdy nt showing tt he loves me
i dun understd why a person will 舍得the wife to be neglected, hurt, cry etc etc...
so its also a test to see his love towards me now
if our r/s is so easy to be given up, den i also cant do anythg

of cos, i hope the person i trust n love from the start is james... and at the end accompanying me thru my life is still james
i hope the person accompanying him thru his life is me
i hope i didnt see the wrong guy
i hope he can pass the test w flying colors !

如果一切能从来，我会加油，不让我们的感情有机会变成今天这种地步

but i duno.
its all up to his reaction. how he sees our r/s.
if is so easy to be given up... what more can i do. even now i giv in.. future how???
i might be able to b strong for awhile n remember all these
but at times, like yday, i might break down n tink of us & wan to giv in...
i need my frens to giv me support, energy booster every now and then, to keep me strong, keep me going.
i duno if i can do tis
and i 更加duno if i can take the consequences if thgs really dun work out...
but i shd continue.. right .. ??!??
i hope i am doing the right thgs...
and i noe, whenever he has any news in facebook, msn etc... it will kinda affect me.. like the paintball news... it affects me but i am tryin hard to tell myself
if he really wans to b like tis... i cant do anythg
if he really tinks tt (or doing without noeing it) he can, in a way, continue to manipulate me, control me
den no, tis is nt wat i wan nw
our r/s shdnt b like tis
but if everythg turns out to be okay, which i hope it will be..
if everythg manage to turn out well...
i will remind myself to stay like tis
and i will also be more concern w his thgs, like work etc...
i wan try to make our r/s better
actually i am really afraid
tt our r/s will fail the test and end like tis
i duno if i can face it
but i guess i really have to do it ?!?
i also hope to ascertain his feelings towards me
oh god, feel like cryin now (*boss saw, shyt!)
how much courage all these will need
im afraid if I give myself a time frame, how long shd I wait etc….
I afraid of disappointment
actually 6th march 2010 is our anniversary
it will be our 5th yr anniversary

actually if is talking about his feeling towards me
i would kinda be optimistic.. tt he will find me.. thou duno when..
but if is talkin abt his temper.. i really duno le
cos he alrdy has issues in dealin w his temper
(i noe it is hard to face it aft so long.. 26 yrs, the demon has grown n he might hav prob fighting w it but the fight and win is necessary, if he wans to succeed! 就凭他想要成功的决心，他应该可以做到，不会让恶魔成为他的绊脚石！i hope to give him the push. 加油啊, dear！i told him i would wait.. he shd noe i would wait... 但到最后，能不能陪在你身边看着你成功，真的不知道。因为，有些事，不是我一个人可以决定的。现在这样做，或许现在的你不会明白。虽然，我希望你会。有可能你不知道我一直是希望你成功的。有些事，有些决定，我也很挣扎，痛苦。真的不知道我们未来的路会一起走吗。我真的很希望会。不管怎样，还是会一直为你加油。i hope you would win the fight and noe tt its all worth it. and make our wait, pain n tears worthy..)
so i duno wat decision he will make in the end…cos mayb he wil let himself to go tink n tink…
cos for him.. when leave him alone, sometimes he will tink thru n b ok, but other times he will 越想越生气 & tink of the worst thgs n just refuse me
so its cos of his temper tt i really duno wat he will be like. i cant predict him
n wat i afraid is if i nw take 5 days den i giv in, the next time he will let thgs be for more than 5 days. n it will be tougher for me.
i m like making thgs difficult for myself
n it wil nt help w our thgs

i noe 4d thg is really a small matter
but e point is, it is a small matter, but he can just dun contact me
n for me, its our r/s
tts why i choose to hold on tis decision/plan
like wat i say is the second last salvation i can do
if pass, i will also change, like spend more time in learnin more abt him, ask him abt his thgs, like all the little bits in our r/s tt can be improved, tt will be the last salvation
and if we ok abt tis 4d thg, i will also explain to him. i haven got a chance to explain

i noe.. tt he might just be tinking tt 4d is a small matter n tt I didn’t consider him, didn’t place him as priority and is waiting for me to giv in
and noe tt perhaps its not really abt the winning tt he is so mad but its just maybe the person i shared 4D with and i didnt consult/consider him/place him as priority..
perhaps to this extent, i should apologise BuT i dun see why theres a need to go to tis extent (e situatn now, 7 days le) n tt wat major fault i have to deserve tis cold treatmt
cos in the first place, when i wan buy, i did tink, hmm to include dear not?
aft tt tot, haiz, nvm, e most, if really really win, den share with him lor. cos also i didnt tink i would win ah. i dun expect that lor. its just for fun
and i didnt plan to include anyone except dear
but its really at that moment, during tt situation, i 不好意思 to refuse jan
and from the msges he sent me..
he said i selfish... i reali tink to wat extent i am selfish
i even tot of if can, save some money and buy the punching bag for u...

ok, anyway, the thg is..
he dun contact me cos of 4D matter, the way he is treating me n our r/s is wat i am looking at
is nt tt simple like wat he might b just tinking
i also duno he will tink tt far not
perhaps regarding the 4d, i shd find a chance to explain
but i alrdy hold on tis far.... and is for our r/s and also for him n me, if i giv in now... thgs will only get worse the next time
oso, he is the one to say dun contact.
just look at how he can carry on w his life when he says we dun contact
i duno how much weight i hav in his heart
i hope to make him realise that.
the weight i used to have in his heart
i hope to make him realise tt if he really loves me, he shdnt treat me tis way
he shdnt say dun contact jiu dun contact, enjoy himself, n let me suffer n make me yield

i love him
i still love him
but i have to make tis decision to prove tt tis person, our r/s is really worth me loving..
to keep our love going the right way, to help him, i need to take tis risk, i need to... do this
i hope the love is reciprocal..
i hope everythg will turn out positive..
oh god pls help! 神啊！帮帮忙吧！

i may nt b able to help him in business, but i tot i can help him to become a better candidate for business.. and if tis really works, thgs might improve, nt just for our r/s, for him, for me, n also for his family.... cos with everyone's earnest support, he will be successful.

and if thgs doesnt... seriously, i duno how to face my life, my family, frens, relative etc....

but still.. i need to do this..
i need to ??!??
right ??!??

i dun wish tt our r/s wil make me hate myself. some thgs tt i do....
我也想活的有尊严一点，跟他在一起还是可以保留着女生该有的矜持。享受着被他保护和疼爱和彼此尊敬，鼓励，陪伴。
i seem to be living in my own shadow for the past few yrs.
e way i talk to him, i really control alot n b tactful, tryin to speak in a positive manner n encourage him. but sometimes seein tt he can jus say out easily the thgs he tot, without filtering/changing the words tt might hurt me.. actually hurts me..

希望一切还来得及。希望还能挽回我们的关系。希望可以手牵着手,一起走完人生的旅途。。。当然，感情是得靠双方面的付出和努力，才能维持的。

P.S. he did has some improvements over the yrs. Eg. temper, vulgarities, giving in, initiate talking thgs out. its just that for some of those... its been on & off... n the feeling is as bad. i did tell him tt i do appreciate n glad to c the chges, n its nt jus for me, us but most imptly, for himself. n tt he shd continue improving..

4-7th feb 2010 I HAVE ALREADY DIE-D

2010-02-07T07:04:00.000-08:00

it seems that no matter what i do
its never good enough to him

because of matters like this
he can scold me.. keep scolding me..
if is like i really do sth seriously wrong
he lidat scold me
maybe still acceptable (thou i dun agree it is helpful)..
but everything he also scold
scold scold scold scold
keep scolding
shouting
screaming
nasty words
all sorts

yes, some things he unhappy
maybe i also will get unhappy w him
but i wun scold.. scold until make my husband feels he is useless
scold until make him dun have the courage to climb up again..
scold until he feels he is not a man..
i am very self controlled regarding tis

afterall, isnt ur life partner suppose to be there to encourage you
包容所有的过错
but why
i no need someone to keep making me feel terrible about myself

i feel so strained now
whenever theres quarrel around me
i feel so strained now whenever someone talk for long
i am mentally weakened ever since..

like wat i say.. fear... maybe more than respect...

sometimes i try to tink from his point of view
yes, maybe i lidat do, mayb tts y he angry
thou sometimes if is u, u wun tink tis way cos u will just feel tt u r not wrong
but..

all i want is a peaceful, happy relationship..

it is DAMN difficult !!!

i am never good enuf

he makes me feel that i am UNFIT to be his wife
yet when i said that
he said tts not wat he meant
and blame me for saying something lidat

wat else u wan me tink

i am at loss

sometimes i hong u, u still giv me attitude
i kept hong-ing u
u ask me get lost
dun touch u or wat
i really feel i 投怀送抱

i noe u might tink i also lidat
but i am a GIRL
HELLO ?!!??!?

sometimes i kept quiet n ppl might tink waa tis gal face really black
n i dun wish see anyone is cos
i noe i anytime might cry
i am controlling..

NOW U WON !!! I REALLY FEEL TERRIBLE ABOUT MYSELF !!!
IS THIS REALLY WAT U WANT SEE ???
HOW U FEEL ???
I DUN UNDERSTAND.
HOW CAN SOMEONE WHO SAY HE LOVES U, HURTS U WITH HIS WORDS AND ACTIONS, DUN CARE ABT U SOMETIMES, MAKES U FEEL SO TERRIBLE ABOUT URSELF, HURTS U SO DEEP.
WAT GOOD DO U GAIN FROM IT ???

YES ! U HAVE VENTED UR ANGER !!! OTHERS DUN !!! WHILE U CAN CARRY ON WITH UR LIFE, NOT REMEMBERING WAT U SAID, OTHERS LIVE W A FEAR, A PAST THEY DUN WISH TO REMEMBER, A SCAR...

U BUILD FEAR IN US
MAKE US LIVE BEHIND OUR SHADOWS..
WHY MUST U BEHAVE LIKE THIS
WHY? TO PROTECT URSELF BY HURTING OTHERS?
WE WANTED SO MUCH TO HELP
BUT DISAPPOINTMENT AFTER DISAPPOINTMENT
TRY ONCE TRY TWICE TRY AND TRY AND TRY AND TRY & IT GOES ON.....

its not u nv improve
u did
but how to say
whenever theres quarrel, theres shouting etc..
thgs still feel the same..

i noe tt my husband is good in nature
(im also looking forward to the husband who has self confident
succeed in the thgs he want n maybe really, we would lead a happier life...)
but the mouth... the temper... the tots.. is worse than anythg......

to me, y i so cherish our r/s n try to giv in n do wat i can is cos of tis.
"cherish every moment. dun let any impulsive decision or anger or foolishness makes u regret sth in life. dun always tink tt nvm there's always later/tmr cos tat later/tmr might nv come"

i always believe it n try to do it. but now i duno whether am i right or wrong

its tiring when the same thing keep happening
after u tot u guys have sorted thgs out
have made some agreement
he has realised he shdnt do tis n apologised
etc etc..

why i nv call uncles they all
is cos sometimes i duno ur plan, schedule
my way of doin thgs is i need to noe the whole situation b4 i made the call
wat to tell the person
able to ans to the qns he/she may ask
i duno the price list
i duno his past orders
i dun wish to have to make a 2nd call
cos i tink if u do business, u would wan convenience for ur customers n not kept callin them to ask tis n tat...
n another thg is
seriously wish to help out
but duno to or not
cos e more i help out... if anythg crops up, it will be me who get scolding
there will be alot of quarrels also..
y shd i get myself n our r/s into trouble???

n u kept sayin i dun tell u ur plan
many times i duno ur plan also
u can jsut tell me suddenly cos i lidat lidat
n spoil ur plan
tt u r waitng for me
yes u told me to call instead of sms, many times
i also tell u to call me, instead of waiting..
lets not make assumptions..

u said iris would leave immediately if husband arrives
said tt even thou she older than husband, she respects him
said tt I TINK I AM OLDER THAN U
so u really wish to RULE OVER ME is it?
u really tink tt cos u r older than me, i GOT TO listen to everythg u say???
is tis really the right way???

the choice given is always i give in
nth else
either i give in, or i risk having nth
what choice is tis
of cos i will choose the first one right
everytime also lidat
I HAVE NO CHOICE

I WISH I DISAPPEAR...

I AM TOO WEAK

Dr Loke & e KiNiS & Valencia's 1st mth

2010-01-30T07:33:00.000-08:00

after few days of researching on the skincare clinic
i finally shortlisted two: Dr Loke at Novena Medical Centre and Maple Clinic
Due to the long waiting hour at Maple Clinic and purging process, i decided on trying out Dr Loke
Suppose to meet sootng and go together but she was still sound asleep
thought that i might not be able to go today cos i was at dear's house and there's no keys
in the end, dear said his is in his pocket and ask me to search it and TaDaa~

When i reached there, there are alot of people.
The queueing system there is a bit weird
as they have a long reception counter, there are few people standing around it and i not sure whether these people at the counter are queueing also or what... so i just ask the receptionist/nurse. she registered for me and said that i have to wait an hour.

so i shopped around and found this beachwear shop called bella kini. theres a friendly staff called iris. shes really very approachable and you can just keep chatting with her about anything... she has great taste and gives honest opinion too. finally found the right bikini for me ! really like it. she intro me tankini too. i love it too. she showed me some other designs but i need to rush back for appointment. she was so nice to keep this for me (as there are alot of customers there as well).

was feeling nervous even to see dr loke. afraid that i miss out something or it cant help. so i actually wrote a list of ingredients of products i am currently using and the doctors i have seen before and the things they prescribed to me. but in the end, i didnt really use it. i started off with telling dr loke about the 'allergic reaction'. he asked if i am having the rxn right now. i said yday a bit itchy but i applied the hydrocortisone (steroid) and it is not itchy now. cos i read from the web that most doctors will prescribe oral medications for acne problem. i told him tt i am married and intend to conceive. ask if i can just have medications to apply. he prescribed me cream for day and another for night, and one for rxn (non-steroid) and a avene facial wash. dr loke way of treating seems only to be oral medications. and i guess its also closing time soon so he a bit rush. den i keep asking. i felt i am irritatin him. keke! some of the products is actually i keep asking den he gives me de.. i duno whether he really understd my skin problem not. anyway, going back for review 1 month later. total damage $151.

den i went back to bella kini to try the rest of the tankinis and decided to buy one bikini and one tankini. actually they have a promo, which is 'buy 3 and get 1 free' but i tight and also dear n sootng waiting for me at velocity taxi stand le. so i just bought that. total damage less than $70.

hehe! den we went to amk to eat sushi. yea! my fav fried vege and fried tofu. we also had fried salmon skin. so nice the food. haha! in the end we got 15% cos we spotted 'something' there but that is after our lunch la. but i got a cut cos of the design of the bottom of the table. one of the supervisors gave me a plaster.

den night time, dear fetch me to cousin xuan's baby (valencia)'s 1st mth. met up with all my cousins and we had a great chat. we made plans for new year.. movie and mahjong. and maybe a malaysia trip somewhere in may-august. hopefully all will go as planned..

25 - 28.01.10 n ongoing de quarrel

2010-01-27T22:56:00.000-08:00

明明是整天吵架的情侣
怎么最后还会作为夫妻
是因为两方都放不下
紧紧拉住这段情
还是，这就是缘分？
但是，我宁愿不要相信是缘分
因为这样，才会去努力
而不是知道始终会在一起，所以什么都不去做
好多次想放弃
但偏偏我是一个倔强，专一，死心塌地的人

marrying an ambitious husband
good or bad ?!?

all along, i know our thinking are different
eg. he thinks money is important. i am not saying to me, its not important. but i won't sacrifice that for family.
maybe because of this, that's why his attitude towards me n the r/s is really like what he always say 'whatever', 'up to you', 'anything'.
and thats why i am not his priority
that's why i always find it so xin ku.
like when we have big quarrel, i will go to his place
when i unhappy and don't want talk to him, he always can don't contact me longer than i don't contact him
when i unhappy and off his hp, he can want to change hp no.
the one to break down when had big quarrels with him is me.. (althou may his method is different, his is scream till lose voice, beat things till injured himself)
the one to be v.affected when quarrel is me
in the end, can't concentrated in things, feel emo n cry, is me
in some ways, he seems jue towards me.

有时吵架，我想不理他，想任性的一次发脾气
但是，他总是可以比我更硬
跟他吵架，我都是loser
有时想狠下心来
但到最后，辛苦的总是自己

but on the other hand, having an ambitious husband is better than having one with no ambitions
u have to worry for him
keep encouraging him

有时想到自己曾经为他做过的事情
或发生的一些事件。。
很讨厌这样的自己
一点的矜持，尊严都没有
不知道，一切值得吗
害怕。。以后会有一天，我会跟自己说
早知道，当初就应该狠下心

I noe i am not ur priority, but accepting tis truth hurts.
tts why sometimes i feel like im just a tool.

tis really explains all tts happening btwn us all along.. why the indifference.. why the "wateva", "anything", "up to u" attitude

but 知道了又如何
改变自己? 让自己也不去管？
对于感情。。。我不想这样做

现在，都不知道自己该做什么
或许会让他误会
但是，有时还真想让自己放空
不用想，不用担心
想做什么就去做
想几时做就几时做
想任性就任性
想闹别扭就闹别扭
想发脾气就发脾气

是不是人越大
拘束就特别多。。
必须考虑，照顾的事也多。。
同时，别人对你犯错的包容心却减少了。。

对他产生一种恐惧感
是对的吗？
害怕接听电话
害怕开手机or msn
害怕看到简讯
就因为害怕遇到让自己难过的事情
虽然不接，不听，不看可能让事情变糟，但还是怕一切更糟而不接，不听，不看

他说：他对我是一种尊敬而不是害怕
但我说：我对他，好像既是尊敬，也是害怕

negative capricorn

2010-01-09T11:30:00.000-08:00

i am actually also a negative person
but i have always be able to control myself

are all capricorns like that?
when they are pushed to a certain stage, they tot of hurting themselves to gain attention of their loved ones? they tot of the extreme..

its so stuffy inside that i find it hard to breathe..
too many things inside...

i should take up a sport that allows me to vent all my anger and frustration

i need to scream.. i need to beat something.. i need to VENT IT ALL OUT

i cant shout here, cant throw things, cant walk out lidat, cant talk to him, cant make him listen, cant tis, cant that...

i have always been able to control myself when i am with him..
keep silent to avoid quarrels
give in
talk nicely
tolerate all sorts of nonsense
etc.. etc.. etc..

if he sees that side of me... hes not gonna like it..
it will be just like him..
shouting etc.. saying to do sth silly...

althou i really screamed once or twice
althou a few times i hurt myself in the midst of the quarrels w him...
still... its under control

will the demon in me be released....
seems like its a matter of time
hes capable of driving it out

the night scenery here is really nice
but it can be scary....
anything could happen..

even if anything is going to happen, out of 10 times, he will be late 7 times...
if u ask me y
perhaps i would say..... its gotta do wif his temper
when hes frustrated (which is an easy matter), he doesnt care

可以纵容他的人一定要。。。
没有脾气
没有自我主见
没有尊严
以他为重心

就像人没有了灵魂，只剩下一个躯壳

i already at a loss.
wat to do. wat to say. wat can be done.

i just wish 一切归零。回到原点
什么都不想想，什么都不想说，什么都不想做。

如果没有爱情这回事，那该有多好
因为感情的事，太复杂了，绝对不是我一个人可以应付的。

worried..

2009-11-30T02:29:00.000-08:00

i tot for a long time whether to post this or just save as a draft for personal viewing...
but decided sinces its my blog... maybe i can just publish it?
hmm.. wat u all tink? shd i publish or save as draft for the below post?
kinda scared...
but anyway here it goes..

actually at first i alrdy v.worried that the gown will be too over, like wedding..
but cos need to be compatible to my dear, so i wear that
and that dear kept comforting me tt there are also others who wear lidat de la.. its okay
i actually felt better le

but sunday the fitting.. even his mum also said looks like wedding
i am worried
on that day.. wat will the guests tink...

i will feel so...
u noe... it shd be a happy day... i wan ppl to hav all e happy tots abt us...
n not u noe... wa.. she wear ma jiam like wedding lidat.. nice la but bit over... tt sort of comments...

and I feel his mum shdnt say such thg lor
cos if not for her supersticiousness, james also wun supersticiousness
and if not for supersticiousness, I wun have to wear this
I am not blaming for their supersticiousness
cos i noe one thg.. y the supersticious, especially for dear, is also cos for dear's good cos he is very special in a way..
n also regarding tis wedding matter, i understand dear's intention... its all for our good..
and i appreciate that...
but its cos of the comment that she made...
its like.. make me feel unjust
cos if say 难听, is oso not i wan to wear lidat de.. but we need to look compatible ah..
and also, it makes me feel like.. I am not all that perfect for my ROM
or our whole ROM thing is not all that perfect..

i guess tis is one of the reasons why i almost cried on sunday..
another reason is the necklace thg.. actually i oso duno wat i wan..
cos the bottom alrdy very like wedding, so i also wish e top to be plain
but cos my hair tt time was let down n i duno wat joyce will style for me on tt day
so when auntie says dun put anythg.. it kinda upsets me.. cos i feel dun match when i see it in e mirror, my top n bottom
n so when they ask me about necklace, i also kept quiet, cos one thing is i duno, another thg is i duno wat i should say cos his mum alrdy says no..
aft tt when we deciding on the simple necklace tt elsie picked for me
i can see that auntie seems unhappy so i asked mel
den mel told me maybe her mum jus wan me to seek her opinion..
hmm.. now tt i tink of it.. well, understandable cos out of respect ma
but its just that on sunday itself, i alrdy feel upset so still wan me ask, i feel its kinda hard on me..
but in the end, i did ask la cos i also dun wish her to b upset w me or abt our ROM thing..

but im glad dear understands at that time n comforted me..
i tink sometimes she doesnt mean it but its the way she puts it.. kinda hurt me unintentionally..
many times i try to ignore it..

both dear n i are capricorns..
and capricorns are perfectionists..
of cos we wan everythg to be perfect
to go smoothly
and hope everyone will be full of praises on that day..

and she said she wans to doll up, make herself look very nice
I worried that later… if my mum didn’t dress up..
its not compatible...
den it will make my mum look very what lor…
u get wat I mean
n also like.. e way she says it.. like a bit wish to b the center of attraction on our day lidat…

haiz..
maybe regardin the previous last statement.. I am tinking too much la
cos afterall.. they also happy n also wish to dress up..

but I can see that even elsie also can tell that…
i have to be very very tactful of my every words and actions, if i really wan to please my mil.

why relationship cannot just be between the two of us...

but afterall, i also appreciate what she has done for us
help in our quarrels
and also really appreciative and adore the mother's love for the son at times..
tis is the reason why i will tell myself to try to please her..

tis is the thing that i am referring to, in my previous post tt sth happen on sunday tt makes me upset..

6 more days...

2009-11-29T18:21:00.000-08:00

Counting down...
6 more days to Mrs Lee..
throughout these 4 years 8 months 24 days..
there are happy and sad moments..
but it made us stronger..
even though many times i tot of giving up..
but our love kept me going..
yesterday while watching him play arcade soccer game..
i was thinking why do i love this guy who upset me so many times..
i don't have an answer..
but it just brings a smile to my face when i see him..
perhaps also cos i wanted to help him, i wanted to be there for him..
i hope he knows it deep down inside his heart..
i wonder how will 6 november 2009 goes...
hope everything goes just right..

The long weekend (27-29 nov 2009) is over.. let me recall..
but i guess its not a happy one... cos some things happen..

Friday..

finally get to meet up with ruth and david at plu cafe at serangoon
i am glad that david and james can get along
but actually james is quite sociable..
he can just pick up a conversation with anyone on the street
we played monopoly and also chit chat..
it is funny when he kept persuading ruth to sell him the property
and ruth wanted to keep it to earn some rental..
like the hokkien saying goes "no fish, prawn also good" keke!
cos just james and david only, already owned 80% of the properties.
but as usual, james won the monopoly game..
i guess this is the 3rd time i played with him?
and i tink he won 2 or all 3 times?
it was great catching up with a long lost friend..

and oh my god.. i think plu cafe is really becoming a gay cafe
before that, i was still researching on plucafe and it brought me to a gay forum
there i saw the plu cafe staff writing comments there which make me wonder r they...hmm...??
but my visit there this time kinda confirms it..
or maybe they are supporter? i duno
wonder if i will still be going there..
what a pity if it really becomes a gay cafe
it is such a cosy place but it would be so awkward to go there..

the unhappiness thing i said was.. :
actually suppose to be the 6 of us meet up de. tng, mike, james, me, ruth and david.
when james n i on e way there, tng said she not going le n apologised.
i managed to persuade her
however, when ruth, david, me n james were there for at least an hour already, they aren't here yet..
i still kept telling ruth that tng will b coming. maybe held up by something..
althou inside, a part of me was prepared that they might not come
but there wasnt a msg/call to inform..
den james called mike and they said not coming le
there are some arguments
after that, james ask me talk to mike instead
i duno wat to say cos i feel unhappy too
den mike just said that cancel the movie session later cos thgs are already in this state, no point..
say to let everything cool down first..
i just say its up to him la
i feel its kinda irresponsible for them to do this
but i dun believe tng will do tis..
she usually will inform, i duno why tis time..

anyway, after that, bro called up and asked if we wan join them for ktv.
we went to loyang point party world
there are my elder sis, bro in law, bro and nana, dear and me
jus 10 minutes, my bro n sis they all already chosen 9 pages of songs
overall, it was fun but not enuf to satisfy my craving for singing
i wanted to extend 1 hour but my dear is tired le..

saturday..

dear and auntie fetched me to bugis and i went for piano
we learned about G and F major..
didn't talk to tng.
aft tt, dear said he bought his first branded watch, Tag haeur.
after that, i left straight for project meeting at our usual meetup place - Starbucks at Shaw Tower.
but we can't find a place to sit near the power point.
when ray came, we just accompanied him to subway to eat first.
haha! i bluff to him that the deadline is monday
he got a fright and kept cursing the lecturer. keke!
he was so SO relieved when he noes the truth.

after my project ended, james ask whether wan watch case 39 with mike n tng
den he said he will call him cos i ask him to just forget e matter cos at least mike apologised
initially mike said dun wan cos of some reasons, after that he called n said ok.

i met them first at bugis cos james need to settle some things.
then.. i realise i am not okay yet.
didnt talk much to them
i walked in front..
we went film garde to buy tickets and then went noodle house to eat
when we were there, i told myself.. haiz.. nvm la, dun make thgs so awkward
so i spoke to tng... she did reply but besides that, it was all silence..
james came and joked with tng. she responded bit
but i can see that she feel awkward throughout..
from her actions etc.. cos thats how i used to behave
even if i am at fault, i wun say sorry unless there is a right opportunity for me to do so..
and when i am awkward, i will just like in my own world
and if it hits my limit, den i will just walk away..
i told james that i have spoken le, she did reply but other than that, nth..
den james felt why like that. we arent the one at fault but we both gave in first..
yet things are stil like that..
after that is mike requested to talk to james alone
i duno what actually happen la...
juz noe that tng was in a bus..
i smsed her, askin if she on e way home
she didnt reply
aft tt, sent another msg tt i waiting at mcdonald
she said she will b late
and then.. again, i spent the night waiting n waiting.. for all 3 of them..
den james came and brought me to iluma, sayin that they are there
case 39 is quite nice..
many parts.. we all got scared..
when everything finish le, den i offered my hand to do the hand signal bye bye and she responded..

sunday..

dear and i fetched uncle for breakfast and to work
den auntie, mel, james n i went elsie there for fitting
tis time at katong
we are their first customer
hehe!
but we didnt get to eat their buffet cos rushing to fetch uncle

hmm.. some things happen here as well.. dear noes that i felt bit upset n wanted to cry le and he comforted me..

aft tt, mel n i had bit of a talk in e car..
hmm.. actually i all along wish that i can be frens w my bf's family..
really frens, i mean..
tt i can tell anythg to n wun affect e relationship between me n his family de..
n i wish to have tis kind of a r/s w mel
treat her as a fren..
can talk abt anythg..
and yup, i told her how i feel sometimes in the family etc.

aft that, we all went to have teochew porridge
we only ordered fish and duck meat n it costs $80. Ex!
den dear and i went my place.
we played mahjong w my family
very long nv play le..
and also felt very long didnt spend time w family
so im glad tt dear can come my place to spend time tgt w my family..

after that, we went to play bowling with sootng and mike at hougang superbowl
the lanes so sucky lor
after every throw, have to press button
the person said we throw too light le
dots..

after that, tng broke her fingernail den only james n me played
hehe! he taught me how to play and i won!
so happy! dear also happy for me..
after that, we went arcade n dear tried out the para para dance thing.. haha!
den mike n dear played some games... then dear fetched us all home

he is already v.tired le and still wan send us home...

i told myself tis mth that i will try hard to be double good towards dear cos of certain thgs..
hope everythg will b fine..

*anyway, finally got to talk to tng..
and realised its all a pile of misunderstandings
im glad everythg is alright now.

2009-08-31T19:35:00.000-07:00

spotted this video while reading straits times..

2009-08-31T00:19:00.000-07:00

28th August 2009, Friday

It's my last day of Year 2 Term 1.
Was rushing my report while at work
only ready around 7+pm. left out the principle part and some of the references and citations.
When i reach classroom at 8, the lecturer isn't there
i tot eh.. im still in time..
when the teacher came, my group member says ok, we can start
i was like, "huh? y we start first?"
haha! in the end, we are the only group which hasnt present lor. they waiting for me.. Oops! i still tot... keke! nvm.

After which, we (Ray, Saf, Ash, Mar, Pong, ST & me) went 3 monkeys to have our dinner and chill..
we waited quite long thou we already booked, cos the previous group hasn't left..
i was so hungry tat i find myself supressing my temper..

the food is a bit ex but the portion is quite big. But i find the food quite saltish. sootng finds it saltish too..
the boss told us that kumar usually perform here on wednesday night..
wat a pity its friday...
after which, ray, sootng and i shared a cab home..
ray share with us a few things on relationship..

it's quite true..
not everyone's liking is the same.. especially between gals and guys..

eg. shopping.
gf: "haiz.. my bf dun go shopping for me. he find it boring and he dun like."
When the bf do accompany gf to shopping...
gf: "aiya, u come also no use. i shop, u like sian sian like that, also dun help me see. u might as well dun come"

eg. quarrel.
gf: wish to settle everything by that day
bf: so heated up that he wishes to cool down for few days den talk..

29th August 2009

woke up for awhile, feeling disgusted
cos had a very weird dream
dreamt abt my bf & his sis kiss to 培养感情
den i went back to sleep
went eunos to have brunch with my parents
hehe! i had half-boiled eggs, milo and toasted bread
been craving for this for quite some time
i always had tis when i was young.. recently saw ray eat this twice.. so tempted..

aft tt, siblings came home and we played mahjong, had dinner at hougang den my bro fetched me to james' house.

Yup! i finally msged him this morning after thinking through what happened that day.. I feel it's my fault. cos i scolded him for something i asked him to do. even after i scold him, he was still nice to comfort me but i continued and that's when he got angry and went out to sleep. the next day, he really tot of going my place. but he doesnt feel well. and how can someone inform early that he is not well.. so yup, i felt it's my fault so i apologised. dots. shd have done it early, dun have to drag it for a week..

P.S. he told me that even if i didn't go his place today.. he would go my house tmr..
*shyt! i shd have waited just 1 More Day...

30th August 2009

tis morning we met a minor car accident

we were at his house car park there when a car jam up the exit..
we were waiting and somehow block the passage of the cars coming into the carpark..
so we reversed
i heard car honking sound
but i didnt tink much of it.. cos i tot is the car in front honking the car which jam up the way...
and BANG!
we hit the car behind us
james said he remembered checking behind..
but anyway, it stil happened! the chevrolet had a hairline crack on its bumper and a slight chip off of the car plate..
but cos the driver is the brother of the owner, so he cant decide
dear wanted to borrow my hp to take pic but my hp low batt
yup, i got scolding. for tellin me so many times alrdy, my hp stil low batt, still didnt check n charge my hp..

*i now alrdy bring my usb everywhere i go.. charge it so that wun low batt le...
but i left the usb at his place... n didnt realise its low batt..
usually my hp only he call/sms ah.. so didnt really check since he's beside me..
there's alrdy improvement.. im alrdy doing sth to it.. just forget tis time.. n kena say "everytime lidat".. feel unappreciated.. but at that moment when he say me, i just said ok, sorry, cos i noe he panicking so temper n tone not good*

den we went my place.. and he played some computer game to calm himself down..
lol.. and we bought 4D on the car no. keke! typical singaporean la..
my siblings came back and it's mahjong session again!
at first, it wasn't that good... den my mum helped to win back..
towards the end... james took over and thanks to him.. we won $130.

so cool!

31st August 2009

i am feeling so blue today...
duno why.. shouldn't be ma..
since report finish le.. i must happy.. but still.. ya.. cant stop the emotions from rushing all over me...

den he said to meet him maybe for a movie or so...
i cant decide on whether to go facial or go shopping...
i am lidat lor.. just cant decide on things..
like to take my time..

during lunch, we talked on the phone..
and he said... can u faster decide... dun everytime like tis.. i cant plan..
tone was bit not good
so it makes me even more blueee...

haiz.. why it seems that whenever i am feeling blue..
he will make me feel worse instead of comforting me..

so now i have decided to go orchard with ST and SF to jalan jalan...

byee~

2009-08-26T09:47:00.000-07:00

24 August 2009

the other time wanted to blog this down but think blogger is facing some issues...

Wan to do many things after 28th Aug 09.
in fact, there are actually a few thgs i wanted to learn or try.

self defence skills. beauty course. piano. exercise. slim down. badminton. swimming. roller blading. ice skating. paintball. laser sth one. shopping. movie. ktv etc...

Today sootng and me went yishun for awhile den went to amk.
just nice, i see auntie and said hi to her.
after which, tot of going to shape my eyebrow cos tmr presentation le.
$12 only. i feel its not bad and karen, the lady who attend to me, told me theres tis member promotion.
so i signed up as member. haha! $30 for a yr. get to enjoy 10% for service.
tot of going classic manicure and pedicure either this week or first 2 weeks of september.

if possible, also hope go for IPL... only if im willing to spend on myself cos tts gonna take alot of $$ ah..

but i personally dun like having exposing myself to unnecessary chemicals or laser etc etc. dun u realise that the people from the past are more healthy than us? even if they die, they die of more common illness... unlike now, all sorts of things...

26 Aug 2009

The presentation yesterday was alright. This is the first time that is individual presentation.
just this afternoon when i reach office, everyone is still rushing.. msning me asking about the ratios. and only when ashvin sent me her powerpoint that i realise that i missed out task 1, which is capital investment.

ray also just booked out in the afternoon and haven't even started on it. but he managed to finish it by 8pm. At first Sootng was supposed to sit in for my presentation but we met my lecturer outside and she said cannot, so in the end, she waited outside. I was suppose to be the 2nd presenter but cos both me and the 1st were late so we presented 2nd and 3rd.

My lecturer said that some of the ratios i found are incorrect.. I told her that during my research. i am quite confused cos some of the website classify tis ratio as profitability indicator ratio but some classify it as eg. solvency ratio.. i was bit upset but alright la.

today only i heard from my classmate that the lecturer said that most of our ratios are incorrect. so its not just me. anyway, i got 31/50. the lowest in class is 28 and highest is 35.

after which, sootng and i went to Commonwealth's kou fu to have our dinner.. we shared carrot cake and hokkien noodle.. Nice Nice! Yummy.. (makes me feel hungry now...)

Today we have project meeting in school and designed a poster for our marketing advertisement for our new outlet. It was quite nice and professional. Now, we are done with our preparation for our marketing group presentation on friday. The last thing left is the 3000 words individual marketing report which is to be due on Friday as well...

after which.... it's the long awaited rest and 3 weeks No School! Yea!

2009-08-23T20:14:00.000-07:00

Yea! I finally have a chatterbox.. keke!
but i wonder if anyone will leave comments..
cos not many know my blog
haha!

wanted to add the comments button too, under each post..
duno how to do
cos my current script is complicated
and i duno such things..

2009-08-22T23:23:00.000-07:00

22 Aug 09

i m usually those when someone say cannot do this, the person needs to explain to me why. If it is reasonable, i will listen.
dun like those who will say, "i ask u do jiu do. dun ask further". Haha! Eg. my mum. And sometimes, he also like that. i hate it.
Of cos, the person must also do the same to him/her or others.
If not, i will feel unhappy and get rebellious.
If is u, u wun feel unhappy meh?

Seem that some things, as long as the person can explain till it is ok to do it or the person himself/herself tink is ok, then it is alright

Eg.
- cannot shop during 7th month but can do online shopping
- at first say so late le, dun go to dark and near sea area but in the end, still allow
- cannot buy house & rent out to earn extra $ cos if wait, can buy bigger house. can even quarrel or yell.
In the end, ownself go look at centros, said its worthy to buy now, future can earn lots from it. when asked tot u say cannot, den tell me see only ma.
BUT if in the first place cannot buy, den why bother to even go see

It's all making me feel that certain thgs is ur own theory
yes, yi fang wan yi ma. i know.
i am okay with that
but definitely NOT okay when today can say "cannot" to me, den suddenly ownself do it or say "okay" to another person
and tell me the reason is cos.. tis tis .. n tat tat....
which is actually the SAME !!!

23 Aug 09

had a slight unhappiness yesterday
i was sleeping very well
he woke me up to do something that i need to do
after that, i cannot get to sleep. especially with the loud thundering sound
i said to him"now i cannot sleep le la. next time dun anyhow wake me up"
he is unhappy and went out to sleep.
perhaps tis also explains his attitude regarding the following matter..
----------
He told me yesterday "tmr morning i go soccer, u go facial. when i back, bath then we go back ur house k".
i have been staying his house since thursday ah.
my brother even facebook chat w me n say "very long never see u alrdy ah"

He went for his soccer n told me "next time if u cant sleep, dun yell at me". he usually came back around 12+pm but today came back at 2+pm.

me: "wat time going my house?"
him: "huh? not going.."
me: "i already told my family we are going back."
him: "haiz.. i fetch u back later."
me: "u not going?"
him: "i not feelin well"

i then unhappy. i cannot let him wait n didn't inform him. but he can let me wait n dun inform me?
perhaps he simply forgotten we are going back my house today..
n perhaps partly because what happen last night..

he kept asking me to eat porridge. I said dun wan. not hungry. he said "dun bullshit, from morning till now didnt eat, u not hungry?" i said dun wan.
and he said "later go home urself"

i can foresee our married life...
if we quarrel and i want to go home on that day, he will ask me go home myself...
i come by myself and leave by myself..

2009-08-19T21:08:00.001-07:00

AAAAAAAHHHHH! Financial figures are driving me crazy... we dun understand each other..

2009-08-17T20:26:00.000-07:00

foolish me..

yesterday thought of sleeping at 12 and wake up at 4 to do my report. but previously i have set my working day alarm at 6.50am. then i tot "oh! i have set alarm, alright then, i shall go sleep". and the next moment i woke up, its 6.35am! arrgh.. blur me.. a day wasted

2009-08-16T20:21:00.000-07:00

It's so freezing cold today. was planning to finish my 7Ps and concepts by saturday and start bit on my finance on sunday but even until today i haven finish my 7Ps. I am doing bit by bit but the progress is too slow. wats wrong with me? is it really must last minute then have the rush? i really dun wan last minute le. "taking of leaves.. rush to school.. panicking.. etc etc"

i duno wats my study pattern leh. sometimes can have music, sometimes cant.. sometimes can study at the table, sometimes must change to the floor.. its weird...

need to figure tis out..

my fren suggest to have periods.. like now do one part den rest awhile. den can extend the hours.. perhaps i can try

A need to grow stronger

2009-08-15T20:39:00.000-07:00

i feel i am too weak. whenever we quarrel, my emotions get stirred up and become unstable. i hate myself for this. I can't concentrate on my studies or work. No mood for anything. My heart feels empty. My tears cant control itself. sometimes it feel so terrible till i wish i can dig out my heart so i could no longer feel anythg... i duno who to talk to... i duno what i can do to solve thgs n improve our r/s...

I wish we have never started. I wish theres no need to fall in love. yet, i am those who need someone. Yet, i am those who once start a relationship, will try their best to hold on to the end.

My friends say that i am very patient to be able to endure to this day. I just hope that we can get better. But how come he can just dun contact me just because i didnt call his mum to ask if she has the facial product for me. its ridiculous. such a small matter can seem so big to him.

how can i help him.. if only he listens...

i know i should just leave him alone to tink.. i tried. i didnt contact him. but he patience towards tis always last longer than me. doesnt he noes to treasure e day we have together? try to each other feel more and more xin fu each and everyday.. im lidat cos i dun wish that if one day something happen.. i will regret not doing tis or tat.. i dun wan live my life w regrets. i wan to try to giv my best in everythg.. sometimes, e heart is weak.. like towards studies..

how come he can just treat me like this. dun contact me. scold me. throw temper at me. who am i to him. i really wonder sometimes. we are getting engaged tis december. it has been like this for 4 years. will it get worse in future? i have no confidence. no confidence that my heart can take it.

before we start, he promised not to make me cry like marcus did. he seems to make me cry more. perhaps is also cos we are together longer than me and marcus.

i duno what place am i in his heart.. he said he loves me. but sometimes his action and words mean otherwise. Will you ignore someone u love cos of a small thing? will u scold, yell or do silly things to urself in front of someone u love? will u be able to tolerate ur loved one cry cos of u? will u be able to leave ur love one alone by herself/himself?

i hope to get stronger. i know its a choice. whether u wan or dun wan. whether how determined u are. i duno if i can overcome the emotions overflowing in my heart first. but i will try to get stronger. i will try.... .... ....

My Autograph Book

2009-04-13T03:24:00.001-07:00

Name: Lim Fangying, Jasmine
中文名: 林芳莹
Date of Birth: 8th January 1985
Status: Single But Not Available
Horoscope: Capricorn, The Goat
Zodiac: To be exact, it's Cow (Head) & Rat (Tail)
Hobbies: Singing, Prawning, Taking Photos, Shopping, Playing Games, Mahjong, Watching Shows (variety, drama, movies etc.)
Countries I've Been To: Thailand, Malaysia, Korea
Schools: Ang Mo Kio North Pri Sch (1992-1997), Chong Boon Sec Sch (1998-2001), Serangoon JC (2002-2003), Nanyang Poly (2003-2006), MDIS (2008-2011)
Past ECAs/CCAs: Chinese Dance, Choir, Track & Field
Companies: Kumon, Motorola, Seagate, Kinetics, Bionovar (Attachment), Beacon Consulting, Aviva, IMH, NHG, IMCB
Jobs: Flyer Distributor, Production Operator, Telesurveyor, Admin, Patient Service Associate, Laboratory Biologist

-Food-
Likes: Bishan's Prawn Pond's Western Combo ($11), GV's Nachos, McDonald's Nuggets, Hashbrown & Fries, Serangoon Block XXX's Fries, Anything that is Sweet & Sour (Must be well balanced), Milo, Tidbits (Tomato, BBQ & Hot & Spicy Flavour)
Dislikes: Spicy, Coconut, Bitter, Sour, Coffee, Tea (Including Jasmine Green Tea)

-Day-
Likes: T.G.I.F. (Thank God It's FRIDAY !!!) & Saturday; Windy Day
Dislikes: Monday & Sunday; Sunny Day

-Colour-
Likes: Most Pastel Colours

-Sports-
Likes: Captain Ball, Table Tennis, Badminton, Bowling, Snooker, Dance

-People-
Likes: Myolie Wu, Bosco Wong, Mdm Su (Pri Sch's Mandarin T-cher), Ms Cheong (Sec Sch AMaths T-cher), Ms Tan Er Min (Sec Sch's Form T-cher), Sec Sch Tuition T-cher (My Mandarin/Form T-cher's Bf)

-Shows/Books-
Eg. Watched/Watching (Those in pink are those i like)
Variety Show: Jacky Wu & Xiao S' variety shows
Korean: Hotelier, My Girl, Kim Sam Soon, We Got Married (Andy+Solbi Fan)
Japanese:
Taiwan: 海豚湾恋人，不良笑花, 公主小妹，花样少男少
Hong Kong: 酒店风云，野蛮奶奶大战戈师奶
Anime/Manga: Bleach, 乱马
Movie: Transformer, Harry Potter
Book: Harry Potter, Charlotte's Web

I Wanted To...

- Visit Taiwan, Japan
- Learn Cooking, Baking
- Explore Many Places & Things

The First Entry

2009-04-13T03:19:00.000-07:00

The day this blog is created: 8th Apr 2009, Wednesday

Things you can find in this blog:
- photos / video album
- special events in my life: be it happy, sad, funny, stupid...
- recipe
- my experience, feelings, thoughts etc.